I find that it’s difficult to sustain good blogging mojo after as many years as Andrew & I have been doing this shebazzle thang (10? 11?). It seems particularly difficult now that I’m frittering away my precious free time with my new Facebook addiction.
So, I’m cheating and posting a meme that Andrew & I both responded to on FB. I think it’s kind of amazing how much we revealed (explicitly and otherwise) by simply fulfilling a request to write “25 random things”. And as I shared with my husband after reading his, I feel a need to direct people to read his in an effort to explain how he can completely rock my world and drive me nuts simultaneously.
1. I know that many people will expect me to use the words “goats” or “chicken” in this list. But there is absolutely no way I will use either the word “goats” or “chicken” when typing out this list. So, please, adjust your expectations now (Marie). No goats. No chickens. No bull. No shebazzlin’.
2. I hate this. Everybody claims to hate this. This does not seem like a random thing about me, or anyone, really. Nobody really likes to talk about themselves, do they? At least to other people. I’m happy to talk to myself about myself. I usually avoid using the words goats or chickens in the process. However, I do often talk to myself. I can usually not do it in front of other people, however I will sometimes get busted talking to myself when walking home from the train and I don’t realize that someone is walking behind me or coming out their front door…also, very often at work, I talk to myself. This used to be sort of embarassing, but I’ve learned to roll with it. I talk to myself. I sing to myself. Why wouldn’t I? Deal with it.
3. I tend to avoid serious situations by deflecting them with humor. This usually drives people nuts. Especially my wife. What people don’t usually understand is that I’m still being serious on the inside. I just don’t like uncomfortable situations. Well, that isn’t totally true. I do like creating uncomofortable situations (that amuse me).
That also drives my wife nuts.
4. Speaking about worry… I am borderline OCD at times. I have to check the front door lock about 15 times a night before I can go to sleep. On the odd occasions where I find that I had neglected to lock it earlier in the evening I will do a small victory dance and feel vindicated and justified in performing this behavior for another 6 months. I often make excuses to go to the kitchen a few hours after dinner just to make sure all the burners are turned off. I press the lock button on the car key fob about 6x just to make sure the car is locked. I even “lock” the car doors as I pass the car on the way back from walking home from the train. I still check to make sure Alli is breathing in the middle of the night when I go to bed and anytime I wake up to pee. There are many more, I don’t think I’m even conscious of them all.
5. I really want to have my facebook status read “Andrew Bernatein ain’t afraid of no ghosts” just because it would humor me. Alas, it would be a lie. Ghosts petrify me. I do not like the word “ghost” to be uttered in my house for fear it will disturb any spirits hanging out in our 80 year old building. We had a (several?) ghost in our old apartment building in Evanston. Thankfully, he wasn’t too scary. Not like the one that was in the front hallway there. Marie and I named the back stairwell ghost “Max” and tried to help him get to the other side. Our significant others mocked us. I didn’t think that was wise at the time.
——Beginning of the “Andrew is not only crazy, he’s a chicken” section——
I’m afraid of a lot of other things too. Four of them that pop to mind are…
6. Dogs. Dogs scare the crap out of me. I have gotten better over the years, but I’m still afraid of all dogs until I get to know them and there are very few dogs that do not scare me after a time. Julie will claim that one time when we were walking her Mom’s dog, and a crazy rabid giant dog ran at us, that I ran away across the street and left her for dead. This is totally not true as I did what any sane person would do, which was to run away from danger. I assumed my wife was smart enough to do the same.
7. Heights. I am scared of heights. Being inside a building at a height does not scare me. Walking up normal steps does not scare me. Standing on a 3 step ladder to change a lightbulb SCARES me.
8. Public toilets. I do not like to do my “business” in public restrooms. As I have aged, I have loosened this restriction a little in emergency situations, but I LOATHE public restrooms. I like to poop on my own turf. Or at least friendly turf. One time when we were out of town visiting a friend, I borrowed his car to drive myself from the restaurant we were at to his house (abt 15 minutes away) during the middle of dinner just so I could make a deposit in his bathroom rather than the restaurant.
9. Lightning. Terror consumes me. I run like a small school girl from the car to the house. I have to fight back tears when I walk home from the train in a thunderstorm.
——End of the “Andrew is not only crazy, he’s a chicken” section——
10. I hate the Dave Matthews Band. Hate is not strong enough of a word, actually. Despise? I don’t know. Kill me. One of my most prized posessions is a folded piece of paper I found in a park while walking to the train about 7 or 8 years ago. It was a piece of yellow construction paper that said “Bob Sagat is the Devil and the Dave Matthews Band worships him.” If I wasn’t afraid of needles (should i put that above), I’d get that tatooed on my bad self.
11. I could fill the rest of this with the common answers to the vegan questions. Yes, even though I am “husky” I am vegan. No I did not go vegan for my “health”, but I’ll take any extra health mojo I can get. Yes I feel better now than when I was vegetarian, and yes I felt better as a vegetarian than as a meat eater, but in the end, you just adjust and it all feels normal. No, these shoes are not leather. Yes, they look like leather Yes I can show you the website that sells them or the label on the inside to prove it. No, I do not miss X, where X, most likely equals CHEESE. I still have nightmares about the time I ate goat. Why vegetarian to vegan? You don’t really want to know. But if you insisted that you did, you’d hear something about how I realized that many of the animals I was trying to avoid torturing were still being tortured by the dairy industry. Then you’d ask me how cows on a dairy farm are tortured and I’d try not to tell you, then you’d keep pestering me and I’d tell you more. And then I’d start to get annoyed because I’d start feeling guilty again about the first 38 years of my life. Yes, you are right, I had no idea that plants have feelings too. Wow, what a revelation. I’m going to eat a hamburger now, jackass.
12. I miss my mom. Miss is the wrong word. And it isn’t so much my mom (though I do miss her in the traditional sense) but rather all that comes along for the ride there. But “miss” is close enough, I guess.
13. I met Julie on April 3, 1987 while we were high school seniors looking at colleges. We had our first kiss on April 3, or April 4 in the wee hours of the night. She’ll claim the opposite, but she totally kissed me first. I waited up the rest of the night after I dropped her off at the dorm she was staying at to make sure we could exchange addresses. I still have the little corner of the piece of paper she wrote her name and number on. I laminated it. I like to laminate things. Watch your back. I might laminate you.
14. I am good at making acquanitances. I am not good at making friends. Or I’m not good at understanding who is my friend and who isn’t. I have high expectations. I have a lack of follow through. I have a force field of humor, wit and sarcasm protecting me at al times. I am judgemental and snobby. I am an evil evil person. Or I’m just a loser. I don’t know. Julie is my best friend. Alli is a really close acquaintance.
15. I am addicted to kale. This week between Wednesday and Thursday, I ate a one pound bag of kale. I hope we get a community garden plot this year in order to grow kale. I am also addicted to sriracha. I do not know if you can grow sriracha bottles, but I’ll look into that closer to the growing season.
16. I cannot remember any punctuation rules from school. I’ll often cover for this by just throwing out some “…” and stuff. or just dropping punctuation all together. I am looking forward to Alli learning all these rules so she can re-edify me. Oh, I also tend to not use spell check. I also don’t proofread what I wrote. I regret these
17. Spoons and cups are loaded topics. First of all, you are an idiot if you don’t believe that certain beverages taste better out of certain forms of cups. Water, for insance, should NEVER be drunk out of a ceramic Coffee Tea Club cup. It is wrong. You could die from doing that. Stop now. Same with juice. Of any kind. The list goes on… don’t get me started. Also, you cannot drink water out of a cup and then put another beverage into it afterwards. That is just gross. Though, in our house, since I do most of the dishes, I’ll allow it to happen for Julie and Alli, but I would never do that myself, cuz I don’t want drink cooties.
Regarding spoons. Spoons trump forks. Grapefruit spoons are close to being the ONLY utensil you need. If they were a little larger to account for the eating of soup, methinks we’d only need one kind of utensil in our drawers. Beware, however, spoons can be evil. You don’t want to be caught eating out of some freaky spoon. I can’t describe a freaky spoon, but I know them when I see them. When you are met with a freaky spoon, you may need to use the fork more than you would, but suffice it to say, you are using your fork too much, and your spoon not enough. I know you. I know this is true. You can admit it.
18. I hate the telephone. If I don’t call you, don’t take offense. I hate the telephone. I hate the telephone. I do not like it at work. I do not like it at home. I hate the telephone. As a kid I was afraid (chicken alert) to call places for fear they might…I don’t know, come through the phone and mock me. I would be, for instance, afraid to call a bowling alley and ask if they had open bowling today. As an adult, I’d like to say that has changed. I can’t. I’m still afraid to call people on the phone. I inherited (learned) this from my mom. On a related note, I love my iPhone. Maybe a little too much.
19. I wish I was a better father. I constantly worry that Alli and I won’t be friends when she grows up and this makes me sad.
20. My wife is the smartest human I have ever met. I wish I did a better job of convincing her how amazing she is. At everything. I love her more now than the day we got married. I wish I could do a better job of convincing her of that as well.
21. If I am mocking you, it means I either like you or I hate you. Or both. Or it could just mean that you are alive. Oh, wait, or dead too. I might have a tendency to be a little sarcastic. I’m not sure people notice. I can be quite subtle and tactful. I think those words describe me so very well. Add normal in and you have a wonderful trifecta. Subtle, normal and tactful. Andrew Bernstein. Boo yah.
22. I have not been to a White Sox home game since Julie surprised me with a ticket for Game 2 of the 2005 World Series. I am not sure any game will ever live up to that. I did see the White Sox on the road a few times since then and Alli and I did go see a woman’s professional softball game as well. I miss baseball. I miss playing, reading, simulating, living baseball.
23. I am constantly convinced that nobody likes me. I’m needy like that.
24. I humor myself. A lot. I never get tired of the following jokes:
“I used to date __________ back in 1972”
25. I often say that I am psychic and telekinetic, yet haven’t harnessed the powers yet. I am only partially joking. I am 53% sure that I am psychic (I knew I was going to say that.) My parents did a lot of drugs when I was a kid, so who knows if this is true, or just the qualudes talking, but I was tested at the University of Chicago for psychic ability cuz I predicted something or another. I often have a feeling of deja vu, I attribute this to the untapped psychic ability. I have other examples. I’m too tired to list them.
On the telekinetic thing, I just need a few hours to sit down and master the skill, and I’ll show you all. Just like juggling. Nobody thought I could do it. Three balls and one afternoon later, who had the last laugh? Me. That’s who.